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Note #98: Still alive (2015.9.30)

It’s been a long and busy month since my last post. Somehow it seems like it’s been a lot longer than a month, what with everything that happened. The semester started, and with that came the usual class preparation and front-loaded administrative work. I also gave two talks elsewhere, and preparation for those took up quite a bit of my time. I considered writing about these talks, but for some reason I didn’t really feel like it—so I didn’t.

This is more of a “Hey, I’m still alive” post than anything else, so I guess I don’t really have anything specific to say. Not that there aren’t things I could write about. There are plenty of things I could write about, but I’m finding it difficult to actually do so. Part of the reason is that some of the things that have been on my mind these days are very political, and I generally shy away from politics here. But as time goes on I find myself shying away from other subjects as well. Whenever I think of something I might like to write about, I ask myself if the world really needs to hear what I have to say on the subject. The answer is generally, “not really,” and so I remain silent.

Turn on any police or law enforcement procedural show on TV and eventually you will hear the characters talk about the holy trinity of means, motive, and opportunity. A similar trinity could be established for posts here as well: I need to have something to write about (means), the time to write (opportunity), and the motivation to write (motive). Over this past month, there have certainly been days when I have not had any time to write. But I would be telling you a barefaced lie if I said that there was no point in the entire month when I could have made time to write. And as I already mentioned, there have been plenty of things I could have written about. As usual, the problem has been motivation.

I don’t know why I lack the motivation. As I mentioned above, I have been having difficulty convincing myself that I have anything worth saying, or at least anything that other people would want to hear, but I suspect that is merely a symptom of whatever malaise is afflicting me. I suspect this because I’ve never really cared too much about what other people might think when it comes to what I write here. Well, actually, that’s not really true—I do perform a lot of self-censorship (e.g., generally avoiding political posts). I guess what I mean is that when I write, I write for myself, because I feel the need to express something and get it out there. For whatever reason, I’m having a hard time finding that motivation inside me.

I am writing this post through sheer force of will. I don’t really want to, but I feel as if I should, this being the last day of September and me not having written anything for the entire month. I imagine it will be disappointing for long-time readers to see that there’s a new post but end up with this. Sorry about that. I guess I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, and I will likely remain under a lot of stress for the next couple of weeks. This has definitely affected me. For as rational as I try to be, I am ultimately a creature driven by whim and fancy, and right now my muse seems to be on holiday. She’ll come back eventually, and when she does I hope she’s well rested. Because I don’t think I want to write another post like this.